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Bad People Manners
“I think your dog likes me, Doris. He hasn’t taken his eyes off me all night.” “That’s because you are eating off his plate.” Filed under: Animal Crackers Tagged: animal, dining
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Watch and Wife
What is the difference between a watch and a wife? When a watch malfunctions, it stops. Wife, when she malfunctions, boy it just starts. Filed under: Family Guy Tagged: gender-war, marriage
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Inanimate Gender
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender. For example: Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. Copiers are female, because once...
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Another Thirsty Horse
This guy rides into town on his horse and heads straight for the saloon. He goes to the bartender, hands him a pail, and says, “I’d like a martini that’ll fill this bucket.” The bartender says, “You...
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Courtship
“Well, how are you getting along with your courtship of the banker’s daughter?” The young suitor beamed happily. “Not so bad. I’m getting some encouragement now.” “Really?” responded his friend. “Is...
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Nude Beach
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, “Mommy, I...
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Clap and Death
At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet. Then he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. He said into the microphone,”Every time I clap my hands,...
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Two Stranded Lawyers
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food. And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to...
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Complicated Order
A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said, “I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it’s runny, and the other so over cooked it’s tough...
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Twenty Years
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in...
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Elephant Scare
A rather inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tinypieces and throwing them out the window. “Excuse me,” said the woman sitting next to him. “But, would you mind explaining why...
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How Was Your Game?
“How was your game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy. “Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went,” he answered. “But you’re 75 years old, Jack!”...
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I Know the Whole Truth
At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, ‘I know the whole truth.’ Little Tommy...
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Mistaken Foreplay
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife...
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The Ventriloquist and the Blonde
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a...
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Quarrel Maturity
Have you ever noticed that retired couples have reached a level of maturity where they never have any of those piddling little quarrels that other people do? They have one big argument that starts at...
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Undercolors
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of...
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Phone a Friend
A blonde named Pam is appearing on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” with Regis Philbin. Regis: “Pam, you’re up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question...
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Cow from Illinois
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from...
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Words That Don’t Exist, But Really Should
AQUADEXTROUS – Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes. CARPERPETUATION – The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen...
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